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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Johnny's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
12:31 am
things
to emily.

congratulations. i am very proud of you. i hope life brings syou all the happiness you deserve.

to everyone else for that matter... i hope you find happiness. i hope you all find a place in this world. that you don't feel let down. that you feel joy and peace.


and love.



johnny
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
1:03 am
prove it to me
i always feel like i have to prove myself to everyone else. i would like someone to fight with me for once, so to speak. this isn't fun.
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
11:44 pm
and then it occured to me
I really don't want to date anyone. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I don't want any of the problems that come along with any sort of relationship that involves romantics in my life right now. I am in a position now to take care of my shit and get ahead of the game. I don't need any of that around me. I don't mean to sound like scrooge or anything like that but I am not mentally and emotionally together enough to deal with any of that.

And it isn't that I don't want to talk to him anymore or anything. I really do like him. i just need a couple more months. is that selfish?

Current Mood: melancholy
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
10:40 pm
today
blah
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
12:30 am
changes
i learned a lot last night from the craziness. i learned that the flame is gone, and i am ok with that. i have channged now. i suppose i am an asshole. i will not put up with yourshit anymore. i think i made you feel rejected. something i have an amazing talent at doing. i suppose in this situation it is ok. i am ok.

i don't miss the old me. i miss the dynamic the two of us had back then, but i am not falling back to weakness anymore. i am stronger now than i was before.

life is a mystery.

Current Mood: blank
Monday, June 5th, 2006
1:43 am
making out to incubus is wonderful
To see you,
when i wake up is a gift
i didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same
as i do is a three-fold utopian dream.

You do something to me
that i can't explain.
So would i be out of line
if i said, i miis you.(?)

I see your picture,
i smell your skin on
the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone
ten days, but already i'm
wastin' away.

I know i'll see you
again, whether far
or soon.
But i need you
to know that i care
and i miss you.

Current Mood: okay
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
12:13 am
the hardest part of growing up
is growing up.


when being alone, doesn't sound all that bad.
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
11:03 pm
no subject
i




am





soooo





done





with



this




day.
8:01 pm
dismantling the chaos...
i am so confused right now. really. he is here right now. his "girlfriend" pushed him out of the car and ran over his foot on michigan avenue. seriously fucked up. and i don't know what i should do, or what i can do. i think i just may go to bed and be done with this. i don't remember asking for this. but it's what i have.
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
10:35 pm
i don't know how i should feel, but this is how i feel
we talked tonight. actually had a concersation. it was a good conversation. he is going through a lot right now. i give him a hard time, and i shouldn't. i think maybe the reason i give him a hard time is because i want him to pay some fucking attention to me. i am not really mad at him. honestly, i could give a fuck about the little issue. the most important thing is that he gets through all this, and that he knows i am here for him regardless.

then it happened. i was thinking it the whole time i was talking to him. the whole time. i just wanted to have him here in my arms. all i kept thinking was "i love you." i love him. i know i do. i feel it.

at the end of the conversation he said "i'll talk to you tomorrow" i said "ok, i miss you." he said "i love you." i said "i love you, too. bye." "good night"

by those three words my world has been shaken and turned upside down. i don't want this to happen the way it did before. i don't want it to happen like that again. i know it won't. i can feel that i won't. i can't think about the future though. i just have to deal with right now. this moment. that's the hardest part.

i want you next to me when i go to bed. i want to wake up next to you in the morning. everything happens in time. but i miss mornings with you next to me. i miss you making me laugh when i am hideous and fugly when i wake up. i miss waking up with a smile with you next to me. i miss how tight you use to hold me. i miss you

Current Mood: lonely
6:16 pm
(sigh)
trapt... stories

I found a lie, and then it grew
I found myself, still thinking of you
I felt so empty and now I'm fine
But still it's burning when will you be mine

CHORUS:
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think its time for change, don't you
Too much of the same stories in our lives
I think its time for us to walk away from here

Stories in our lives, we keep them all inside(Repeat)

Look at me, still in your mind
Our memories, still intertwined
Well you broke through, and found your way
And so did I, no need to stay
In the same old picture, tried and true
We've been through that, let's look for something new

CHORUS

Do you remember lying on the beach so late at night
Do you remember running through the sprinklers that night
Do you remember all the songs that I have wrote for you
All the songs that I have wrote for you

I remember the way you made me feel when I was with you
I remember the smile that always brought me back to you
That look in your eyes, I never thought that this could be untrue(Repeat)
Untrue

CHORUS

trapt... waiting

I wanna meet up with you
And show you what I'm thinking
I'll take you anywhere
That you wanna go
I'm sitting here bored and lonely and
You know that anytime you're free
To show me how you feel
I'll take it anywhere that you want to go
Anywhere that you wanna go

And I'd make it right if you wanted it
I want it back more than you know
I'd cross the line if you wanted it
I want you back
And I'm waiting for you
To get that feeling once again
Reunited in the end
And I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagintaion
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
In my head

Now I realize I never had it to so good
You took me anywhere I wanted to go
Now I'm sitting here dreaming of the days we led
Anytime I wanted I could show you how I feel
I can't go anywhere that I want to go
Anywhere that I want to go

And I'd make it right if you wanted it
I want it back more than you know
I'd cross the line if you wanted it
I want you back
And I'm waiting for you
To get that feeling once again
Reunited in the end
And I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagintaion
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
In my head

I'll take it anywhere
I'll take it anywhere
I'll take it anywhere
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go

And I'd make it right if you wanted it
I want it back more than you know
I'd cross the line if you wanted it
I want you back
I'm waiting for you
To get that feeling once again
Reunited in the end
I've been waiting for you
To capture my imagintaion
Cuz I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
And I've been fooled by the illusions in my head
And I've been fooled by the illusions in my head


... i love you, still. and you still love me. i can see it in your eyes, i can feel it when we touch. it sucks that this can't work right now. you're always on my mind; and i hate that.

Current Mood: frustrated
3:15 pm
ultra crotchety on the first of june...
i don't know why, but i just got really crabby. like total bitch. i am disgusted with a lot of things and i think if they just *poof* resolved themselves i would probably be in a better mood. i don't know, maybe i'll drink a beer, that will definitely solve all my problems.

Current Mood: bitchy
Sunday, May 28th, 2006
12:32 am
in the end
i walked out of my job tonight. just punched out and walked out. i got in my car and left. all i said was good bye edwin, have a good night. he was on the phone anyway. it was quick, and sudden. it was it. i am not going to be degraded and treated like that anymore. not by anyone. fuck you you mother fuckers. suck my fucking dick.
Friday, May 19th, 2006
2:26 am
im mad at you
i know you don't read this. so i'm venting here. you are all like call me at 6:50am yesterday. so i did. you didn't answer, so i left a message, normal right. then you be an asshole and call my house all night anonymously and i never answer the phone... you are being a psycho dick and why should i answer your call. i know it is you but seriously, not gonna play that game homie. being gay sucks. men say women are crazy... they are, but men CAN be much crazier, especially the gay ones. and i don't want your cock. just to get that out there. by the way.. i don't know why, and this is not my type of music, but i really like this song...

lil scrappy, some cut (lol)

[Chorus]
What it is hoe, ah what's up (what's up)
Can a nigga get in them guts (them guts)
Cut you up like you ain't been cut (been cut)
Show your ass how to really catch a nut (oh yeah yeah)
Well give me you number and I'll call (I'll call)
And I'll follow that ass in the mall (in the mall)
Take you home, let you juggle my balls (my balls)
While I'm beatin and tearin down your walls (oh yeah)

[Verse One]
This your boy Mr. Funkadelic, what's the business baby
I've been eyeing you all day in the mall miss lady
You looking good, I think I seen your ass in the hood
With your friends dressed up, trying to front if you could
But anyway, gone and drop a number or something
So I can call you later on,on your phone or something
Take you home, and maybe we could bone or something
It's no limits to what we do,cause tonight we cutting, gut busting
I'm digging in your walls something viscious
With your legs to the ceiling, catch a nut someting serious
You delirious,or might I say you taste so delicious
With your pretty brown skin, like I'm enjoying your kisses
And you ah certified head doctor
Number one staller that takes dick in the ass and won't holler
Bend you over and I"ll follow you straight to the room
Where it goes down lovely in the Leagon of Doom

[Chorus]

[Verse Two]
Shit, you know the deal before a nigga even stepped
Damn that ass hot, seems like it's gone melt
You know I give it to you til you run out of breathe
Then bust a nut all over yourself
The first time I called, you were juggling on my balls
In and out of your jaws, I was beating down your walls
Had your ass breaking laws for a player was the cause
And every time you seen a G you was slipping
Monday, May 8th, 2006
2:26 pm
the problem with sleep.
I work midnights. 10pm - 630am, my days off vary every week. I have not been able to get a good days sleep in since last moday. The nicer it gets outside, the less sleep i get. this wouldn't be a problem except for the whole exhausted feeling I get at work at 2 in the morning.

Another problem is that I met someone. and the problem with that is he always calls me between 930am and noon. the hours that I actually do get sleep. He wants to go out but I don't have a day off till saturday. I don't know. this whole situation just frustrates the hell out of me and the best course of action would probably be to not think about it.

dad and step mom are in vegas now. i came to stay here for a month. my sister and I are getting an apartment in a month. I am in this strange holding pattern. maybe that explains the sleeplessness. that and the futon. futons suck, especially cheap futons. I miss my bed.

cold mexican rice and ranch dressing.

Current Mood: discontent
Friday, May 5th, 2006
7:03 am
What to say... what to say...
It has been a long time... I left myself for a while. Still not completely back, but working on it. I apologize to everyone I care about... and everyone that still cares about me. I am an ass hole... a complete ass hole. Selfish. Turns out drugs really are addictive, as well as adrenaline rushes. Thought I had a good grip on things. boy was I wrong. Too stubborn to seek professional help, i just went it alone. Pushed everyone away that ever cared about me. Everyone. Coming back now is hard. being sober (well relativley sober, I still have a drink here and there) and dealing with everything. all the pain I have caused people, trying to fix things. Keep a positive attitude. Smile. Life goes on. It gets better.

Current Mood: relieved
Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
11:05 pm
and i'll remember, the way that you changed me.
life has been crazy... i miss so many of you... call me... got a cell... 734 231 1440. julie holt... and everyone else i rarely talk to, you are still obligated to give me a call, dammit.

all of you that read this have changed me in some way shape or form, which is why i want to keep y'all ion my lives... you all are special to me. i miss you all...
Monday, October 13th, 2003
12:40 am
so fresh... so clean...
I love pampering myself sometimes.
Saturday, October 4th, 2003
1:01 am
it's a damn cold night...
so my mom had yet another child... numbero dias... i held him.. he is real.. so weird.,,

saw rob tonight... first time in nine months... weird also

weird night

dont know how i feel

cried earlier... it was wonerful

Current Mood: calm
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
11:56 pm
Christopher James Stecki 10/02/2003 7 lbs. 7 oz. 20 in.
so i am a brother again.... don't know how i feel... haven' seen him ye... i'm scared. they are ok
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